Don't leave it to your kids to do

I grew up in a family where there was a good work ethic.  We were taught to hard work hard and become self sufficent at an early age.  I started my first paid job while I was still at primary school, packing fruit at an orchard on a Thursday and Friday after school.  It was a wonderful feeling having earned my own money and then being taught how to save for a ghetto-blaster.  Our mother never wanted us to ever be dependant on anyone else for our financial survival.  As a result, I have never expected to receive any kind of inheritance and try to encourage my parents to enjoy their life and retirement with their own money and assets.  If in the future my parents require rest home care (their preferred option to being looked after by family), we would all be fine with selling the family home to pay for that care because my siblings and I all share that same basic ethic.

While that is our family's experience, it seems for others their perceived right to an inheritance governs a lot of their behaviour.  Greed and spoilt maybe?  It is particularly noticeable in conflict family over trying to manage assets and determine the appropriate care for their family members when they can't do it for themselves any longer.

For one such family I know, the son was adamant the family home wouldn't be sold until the person had died.  This meant they would be required to pay for the on-going care out of their own pocket because they couldn't receive the Governments Subsisty for Long-Term Residential Care while they still had such an asset. The younger sister is not working and can't afford to pay for the care required.  This person is likely to live for many more years and this issue will continue to cause on-going conflict as the debt mounts.

Another family, the eldest daughter of an elderly woman went and changed the GP of her mother.  He had been a family GP for many years, whom the mother liked.  All because the GP sided with the younger sister about her mothers care and the older sister had 'Power of Attorney' over her care.

Again, a different family fighting because one visits less than the other.  Apparently love is defined by who lives closer and therefore visits the most.  The list goes on and on.

Would having a 'will' and 'living will' make this process a little smoother?  Well, possibly, but not always!  They do make it easier for us to advocate for a patient around their care but they don't always solve the issues within the family. 

Maybe, we could say these people are just self-centred spoilt brats or that they are having issues adjusting and working through their own grief process.  I however, think it's a little more complex than that.  With the majority of such cases I have seen, it is when the mother requires the care that these incidents arise.  Mostly, when that mother has been a very strong matriarchal figure within the family.  Almost without exception the children revert back to some primal instinct of fighting to assert themselves as head of the pack now the leader has fallen. With most primates this is done through share physical brunt strength, but with humans, it is done through power and money (or assests).  Who has the most can roar the loudest and take over control of the pack.  Maybe, it's not that simple but it all makes for an interesting dynamic when you sit watching from the side lines.

So please people, be sure if you do nothing else, you write a will and living will for when you can no longer speak for yourself.  You may never need it until your are elderly and infirmed, then again you could need it next week following that motor vehicle head injury or that massive stroke.  Talk about these issues NOW and don't let your children be burdened with these decisions just because you are not willing to consider your own mortality.

What will become of your children if something happens to you?  What care do you want for them and for yourself and  how should this be paid for?  Do you want active management and resuscitation?  What do you want done with you assests?  What are things that are important for you at that time?  Who do you want as your Power of Attorney for your assets and  for your care (it can be a bit dicey having the same person doing both)?  What funeral arrangements do you want made?  All these things need to be written down and talked about.  Give a copy of your living will to your GP for their file and pick people you trust for these Power of Attorney positions and not just because they are the eldest son or daughter.  Hopefully, this will make all ours lives a little more peaceful!!